Diary of a PHAT girl

9.30.12  
Tomorrow is the beginning of the month, and a Monday.  Perfect day to start anew.  I've been working like crazy so I havent had a chance to hit the gym.  But I am determined to make time.  In 26 days I will be heading to GHOE, where everyone goes to stunt.. I will not be out done lol.  3 weeks to make a difference.  Lets Go!

8/3/2012
Well its been almost 4 months, sadly my peak of weight loss was only 15lbs, partially due to a diuretic that I was taking in addition to working out.  My membership expired and have yet to renew it, but that will change this weekend.  
One issue that I was aware of but never really took notice of until recently was how I would feel if my boo thang was significantly smaller than myself.  I've always ended up dating guys smaller than me, except for one guy, "big swole";  With him I didn't feel as self-conscious about myself.  However, now that my bf is waaaay smaller than me, it doesn't bother me per say, but I am very conscious about the size difference.  In a way, it motivates me to want to work out harder to help balance the difference in our appearance.  But I know that my motivation should not derive from any male or anyone period, outside of myself.  Maybe if I cook him some good meals, maybe he'll gain some weight :)

4.21.12- The beginning

So last week, I joined the gym.  It wasn't really hard to work out; walked on the treadmill, did some of the arm and torso machines.  Sadly, the hard part was to stop making excuses on why I shouldn't go.  Sometimes the biggest hurdles in life are our own thoughts and negativity.  Unfortunately, four days after working out, I pulled a muscle in my lower back that kept me from going.  Hopefully, even though I am still in pain, I will be able to pick back up this weekend.  No pain, no gain!!

3/1/2012- The Standard

Sometimes I feel like as women, we have lowered our standards.  I don't think it was intentional though.  As I talk to my girls about "new" and "potential" boos, and how they get excited over things that these guys do.  "O he called to check on me when I landed." or "we can talk for hours on the phone".  In my opinion.. these are things good friends should do in the first place.  They aren't extravagant gestures that are worthy of praise.  I think we are so used to guys doing so little or BSing us so much that when a genuinely good guy friend comes around, we put him on a pedestal and deem him "boo worthy".  If that doesn't make sense, look at it as if guys were cars.  We are so used to cars breaking down, running out of gas or not starting that when we get in a car and it goes from point a to point b with no problems we think its the best car ever.  No it's still a used honda that you got from ya momma an em.  But when you get in a car and that gas needle is shaking on E and you can ride that mug for 50 miles then you got something to be excited about.  That car wasn't supposed to do that.  It went above and beyond the call of duty.  So the next time a guy just checks on you when you traveled, acknowledge that it was nice, but it's not special.  When you tell a guy your traveling and he PAYS for your flight, then you got something to talk about.  And now its not just about money.  Its also about time and being considerate.  If you have to initiate every outing or constantly remind him that you haven't hung in awhile, then uhh Houston, we have a problem.  When guys think outside of the box and make your time together special, he is "boo worthy".  Ladies, don't fall status quo.  A guy should want to give you the world, and if he can't he should at least be trying to give you a small country!!

Feb 29, 2012--It's a LEAP YEAR!!  Maybe it's time to take a leap out on Faith.  

As I'm up at 6 something in the morning, with an ice pack on my eye.. my mind begins to wonder.  I have this blog, just liked a page on FB called "Real women have curves" and I always say I love my booty, as big as it is.  But, Do I really believe it?  It is one thing to say it, but do my actions show that I believe it.  I don't think they always do.  When it comes time to go out in the city, my insecurities seem to show more than my hips!  I have embraced my curves, even as they have grown exponentially over the years, but how do I show that I am ok with how I look?  Maybe I'm not and that's the issue.  Regardless, I love who I am so I need to show that, right?  I can wear tight dresses, and just recently due to my fabulously Amazonian friend, I now wear my legs out... sometimes... but the look on my face is always.. scared at best.  Constantly wondering how do I compare with my skinny counterparts.  It's is tiring y'all... In my mind, I know I am great and I need to show it more.. even writing this makes me feel like my insecurities are unwarranted. Sigh, time to put the ice pack back... Can't be fabulous with a swollen eye!

Feb 13, 2012- What happens to a Dream Deferred?

Most of my girls believed when we reached this age, we would be married or at least engaged.  All but one of the females in my family were married by 27.  But here on the cusp of my 27th birthday, I have no prospect of marriage, engagement or even a serious "boo".  So I then ask.. What happens to a Dream Deferred?

Feb 12, 2012

This is an old post I wrote maybe in October... I have a hard time letting go of people, especially ones who were in my life for a long time and made a large impact on it...I think it's hard for me to let go out of fear no one else will be able to fill the empty shoes... especially now that I no longer have the physique I did when I attracted most of the guys I know now...so here is my post about a certain guy and how I am coping...

As I continue on my journey of not settling for any guy... my clock is ticking. I often reminisce on a guy I will call "Vincent".  Now granted I was never in an official relationship with him, he is the longest relationship I've ever had.  I honestly didn't appreciate the little things he did while I was with him.  I never had to ask for  quality time or wonder why I hadn't heard from him in 3 days.  I would give my left arm to have that comfort again.  He was very attractive.. tall, "good" hair, athletic, in college and good behind closed doors.  But the fact remains he wasn't the best for me since we no longer speak.

The issue now is, no one has seemed to measure up to him or surpass him.  I was younger when I was with him so some things that weren't important then are major issues now, like children and where to live.  But those things aren't even relevant since I can't get to the point with a guy where they would be a deciding factor.  I seem to fall into this never ending cycle of liking a guy who is vaguely interested in me or not ready to settle down and the guys who like me, I'm vaguely interested in, if at all.

So I begin to ask the question was Vincent the best I'll ever have?  The answer honestly scares me because if he was... the future is bleak at best.  What should I do?  Just continue as usual, change my standards? What do you do when no one measures up to the one before?  Is it all a mind game or was he the best?  I am over Vincent so that's no the issue as many would think, but he did set a standard, which wasn't very high... yet no one can pass it.

Feb 9, 2012- Speed Dating

Feb 2, 2012

This is the first day of my blog diary... I'm not sure what I will accomplish by starting this but I hope to help someone out who is just like me... Give them confidence in a world that condemns the fuller figure... Not sure what I will talk about either.. I guess my struggles, insecurities, breakthroughs and revelations.  I guess I'll let my fingers guide me on this journey... Hail to the Phat girl!!